I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
