I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
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