New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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