You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
