So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
