Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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