I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
