fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
