In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
