Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
