Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
