We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
