Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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