Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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