grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
