I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
