You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
