I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he was CRYING into my vagina
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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