I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I will be naked everywhere
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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