you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
