I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
