My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
