Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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