i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
