have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
