Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
