We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
