And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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