Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
