fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
