after a month anything with tits is on the radar
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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