I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
