i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
