he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
