she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
