Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
