dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
