i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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