I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
