the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
