Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I know her cup size but not her name....
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
