went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
