her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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