We're like a lot better than the average bears
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
