On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
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