and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
