She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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