We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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