I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
