So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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