Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
