I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
