I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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