I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
