plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
